Platonic friendship refers to a close bond between two people who could theoretically be romantically interested in each other. Some people assume platonic friendships are doomed to fail, but that’s not true.
What does that even mean?
“Platonic friendship” might seem a little redundant at first glance. After all, friendships are platonic by definition, right?
Platonic friendship specifically refers to friendship between two people who could, in theory, feel attracted to each other.
At some point, one or both people might experience some passing sexual tension or briefly wonder, “What if we did try dating?” It may seem like the relationship could go either way — continue as friendship or turn toward romance.
If you experience these feelings and decide to keep what you have, your friendship remains platonic.
People often assume platonic friendships never succeed, especially if one of you “catches feelings” or misreads certain signals as signs of attraction.
This assumption stems from a collection of false ideas, including:
- everyone’s end goal is romance
- people of different genders don’t have enough in common to maintain friendships
- you’ll eventually desire a sexual relationship with any friend you could be attracted to
The truth is, it’s entirely possible to be friends and only friends with anyone, regardless of gender.
Platonic friendship doesn’t mean…
Friendships fulfill an important social need, and they can look different for everyone. In general, there’s nothing wrong with any healthy situation that works for you.
But a friendship that involves the desire to pursue romance or sexual intimacy, whether you share those feelings or not, isn’t platonic.
Friends with benefits
Say you’ve got a really good friend. You go to concerts, have similar taste in movies, and enjoy cooking and hiking together.
You also have sex on occasion. Neither one of you wants a relationship, and romantic feelings have never come up. But sometimes, when the moment feels right, you go for it.
This friendship wouldn’t be platonic, even if neither of you has a romantic interest.
Unrequited love
If you have a crush (or something stronger) on one of your friends, maintaining a friendship is still possible. You couldn’t consider that friendship platonic if you’re holding on to romantic hopes.
This gets a little tricky if you’re on the other end of this. You might think you have a platonic friendship when in reality, you just don’t know how they feel.
It’s not unusual to develop romantic feelings for a friend, especially if you spend a lot of time together. Taking care to set boundaries (and respect theirs) going forward can help you maintain your friendship.
Here are some other pointers for navigating unrequited love.
Friendship with an ulterior motive
Becoming friends with someone with hopes of eventually dating them isn’t platonic friendship. It’s also somewhat dishonest.
Opening up about your feelings will usually serve you best. You can’t make someone fall for you through proximity and patience alone (though pop culture might lead you to believe otherwise).
Also consider this: If they eventually come to feel the same way about you, they may not be happy to realize you misled them about your feelings and intentions. Even if they never find out, a relationship founded on deceit doesn’t have the best start.
Post-breakup friendships
It’s pretty normal to end a relationship, especially a lengthy one, with some lingering sexual or romantic feelings. Even if you both fell out of love, decided you were better off as friends, or both, it’s usually tough to go from deep intimacy to something strictly platonic.
These feelings can confuse you and make you wonder whether you shouldn’t try again. You might break up and get back together, or have an on-again, off-again situation.
Some people do go on to become good friends after breakup or divorce, though the specific circumstances of the breakup could affect this outcome. Setting clear boundaries and putting effort into the friendship you desire can make a healthy friendship more likely.
